Struggles and Strength

I just had to take a moment and share this with ya'll.  In my last post, I shared about the first day of school for the boys.  Everyone did fine... even Nathan wasn't too upset.  BUT, by the second day, he was all worked up again, just like last year when we had so much trouble.  I was so hoping things would be better, b/c he knows his friends in his class, and he knows what to expect in school.  The third day was even worse.

He has started having his anxiety attacks (like last year), and the school actually called me to come pick him up one day.  He had cried all day, and had worked himself up into such a tizzy that they thought he was sick.  He was warm from crying so much, so they thought he had a fever.  He had a stomach ache from the anxiety, so they thought he maybe had a stomach flu.  He had a headache from it all, so ... need I go on?

When I got to the school ( I had to leave my Spanish class...), Nathan and his class were outside for recess.  As soon as I stepped out the door, all three of my boys crowded around me.  Normally all three of them are not outside together, but somehow I picked the moment when they would ALL see me.  One look at Nathan, and I knew he wasn't sick... just "home sick".  One look at Jonathan, and he burst into tears (even though he had been fine in the morning.) And one look at Weston, and I knew something was wrong.

I told Nathan there as another 2 hours of school left, and he started crying and getting all upset again.  When I told Jonathan he still had 2 hours, he got panicky that I was going to leave him.  Weston just nodded and said he knew... but he he told me that one of the boys had been punching him and wouldn't stop.  He was holding his arm, so I looked at it.  It was all red and swollen...  So, I had two little boys clinging to each leg as I tried to ask around for Weston's teacher.  I had asked him if he had told his teacher, but he said he couldn't find her.  So, I just grabbed one of the other teachers and told her.  She said she would take care of it, and Weston seemed to be fine with that.  So, Weston gave me a hug and ran off... but I still had two hysterical little boys to deal with.

I finally decided that 2 hours wasn't worth the anxiety they were going through (not to mention the anxiety that I would go through in order to leave them!), so I told them I'd take them home just this once... but that it would NOT happen again.  Nathan's teacher didn't like the idea (I think she thinks I baby him too much, but I doubt she's ever moved to a new country with a new language and left her child screaming in the arms of another as she walked out the door. :) )  Anyway, I didn't let her make the decision for me.  I didn't ask.  I was already pretty zapped of strength from trying to make myself understood about the Weston situation (it's amazing how draining it is to try to speak another language!)  We got Nathan's back pack but then had to go get Jonathan's.

I didn't realize that Jonathan's teacher was in the classroom.  I had told the other teachers out in the school yard that I was taking him home, and they said they would tell her.  (At least I think that's what they said... :) )  So, when we got to Jonathan's classroom, I was surprised to find her there.   I tried to explain to her what was going on.  I told her that once Jonathan saw me, he became a mess.  Before I could go on and explain anything else, she clicked her tongue, grabbed Jonathan, and tried to close the door on me.  It was so sudden and unexpected that Jonathan started screaming, and I was startled myself.  I had to put my foot in the door and try to explain to her that I had already told him he could come home with me.  Again, I got that look... but, I was so tired from the ordeal that I certainly didn't have the strength to go through the theatrics of leaving them.  I do know that it has to be done.  I do understand where the teachers are coming from; but sometimes, it's just not worth it.  I decided that this moment was one of those times... they could learn to be away from me tomorrow.  I explained to Jonathan's teacher that it was ONLY this time, and that it wouldn't happen again.  She nodded and became very friendly again... I still haven't figured her out.  Maybe it's just the language barrier?... maybe I perplex her?? Maybe she just misunderstands everything I say?  I have no idea.

Anyway, that was the first week of school, and we all had a long talk once we got home.  They both knew that it wasn't going to happen again.  The week finished out in a similar fashion, with Nathan crying and clinging every day.  Jonathan got better each day, though, so that was encouraging!  Throughout the whole weekend, Nathan was absolutely beside himself.  He cried and cried.  I didn't know if I could do it again on Monday.

I was very much a homebody growing up; and anyone who knew me, knew that about me.  I guess part of the reason it's so hard for me when Nathan gets like this is b/c I completely remember how it feels... and I wasn't in a new country and I wasn't learning a new language.  To this day, when I think about it, it brings tears to my eyes.  I completely understand.  My poor baby! :)

But, Monday was coming fast, and I had to figure out something.  So, I did the only thing I knew to do.  I had no power to make Nathan ok.  I had no power to fix things... and he HAD to go to school.  But, I did know Someone who does have the power to help Nathan... and Nathan knows Him, too.  So Sunday, when Nathan was crying, saying he didn't know if he was going to make it through the next day at school, I told him he WAS going to make it.  I had told him this many times over; but this time, I was unusually firm (but out of conviction, not out of frustration or anger.)  It caused him to look up at me.  I reminded him of the verse "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."  I asked him what "all things" means.  He said, "everything."  I nodded and reminded him that that included making it through school the next day.

One thing I love about Nathan is that he is a little philosopher.  He is such a thinker, and if it makes sense in his head, he's good.  Obviously, the kid has amazing faith, as well.   He looked at me and said, "Really?"  He knows his God, and he knows that if the Lord says it... that's how it is.  How often do I hear that verse and think, "yeah, yeah, I know... I've heard it before..."  (Well, maybe not intentionally, but sometimes familiar things lose their punch.)  So, I told him that he just needed to ask Jesus to give him strength, and He would.  He asked, "How?"  I told him that if he asked Jesus to help him through the day, he would see how!  I challenged him to try it the next day, so he could find out "how" for himself.  And that was good enough for Nathan.

We worked the whole night on memorizing the verse, with hand motions and all... even Jonathan knew it by the next morning. :)  So, on the way to school, when Nathan started freaking out again, I asked him his verse.  He repeated it through his tears, but said he didn't think he could make it.  I firmly told him he could, b/c he could "... do all things through Christ who strengthens..." him.  It was precious.  The truth of it settled around him, and he became calm again.

I prayed all day that the Lord would make Himself real to my little boy... that Nathan would know that it wasn't just words.  So, when Nathan got home, I asked him about his day.  I'm not sure what I expected, but I was so surprised by Nathan's new conviction.   He told me he cried in the morning, but then he started asking Jesus for strength.   He told me that he forgot the second part of the verse and he couldn't remember what it said.  It upset him, so he prayed and asked Jesus to help him remember it.... and what did the Lord do?  Right then and there, He reminded Nathan of the verse!!!  Nathan was SO thrilled.  It was like a special touch from the Lord to reassure Nathan that he was not alone.  (And to remind ME that He loves Nathan even more than I do!)  So, that was the first day Nathan made it through school without crying the whole day.

Now it's been several days, and Nathan has repeated his verse every day.  As the anxiety has begun to lift, Nathan has begun to settle a bit more, and he has begun to see the fun side of school.  He told me today that he only had to say his verse 2x today.  SOOO sweet!  I just love it.  I completely know that the Lord sees, hears, knows,  and cares.  When I'm dealing with myself, I can know these things and find peace... somehow, when it comes to my children, it's so much harder.  I am amazed at how personal our God is!  My little 6 year old, struggling to be away from his momma in a foreign school, is important enough to our God for Him to take the time to comfort and make this little boy feel secure.  Amazing.

Now, Nathan still struggles with school.  I'm not saying the struggle has gone away; but so far this week, he has learned to walk through the struggle, relying on the Lord.   As hard as things are for Nathan, I'm SO thankful that even at the age of SIX, he is growing in his walk with the Lord.  I pray it's a solid foundation for the years to come!!  Please keep praying for Nathan for school.  Last year, it was your prayers that kept him going.  He would literally ask me every morning if people were praying for him.  It was like it gave him the courage to go on... like he wasn't by himself in all this.